Challenge do hurt!

Today I had to give a lecture to 75 students in a lecture hall. This is 3 times the size of my normal class. Therefore, I have prepared the notes and presentation weeks ago. I did check for the pronunciation of those specific terms and practice them twice. However, I still can not deliver my lecture fluently. Students keep laughing about my wrong spelling, poor pronunciation. I feel really bad about it till I can not look into the eyes of my students eyes. It’s really hurt when I see my students’ face expression, those despise look from students are like a rain of stones hitting my head many times. No matter how many times I practice, I can not pronouncing “nutrient” correctly, I never get the “d” and “t” sound precisely. Why?

I know I am going to encounter this type of challenges since I chose to teach in English which is not my first language. I have told myself many times that this is the challenges I need to take, to make a further achievement in my teaching career, to enhance my English into another stage. But, this challenge is harder than I can take. I feel so bad.

I know that is no excuse for a teacher to have poor presentation skills. Language proficiency is the crucial and even fundamental requirement as a teacher. But, I did do my best, but the result is disappointed. This really makes me feel terrible about myself.

I start losing my confidence and passion, how far I can go in teaching? Can I keep improving, or I have reached my limitation that I could not go beyond anymore.

I do like English, I feel good in reading it. Thinking in English is different experience compare to thinking in Chinese. So, for me, English is not like just a tool to earn a better living. That is why I wish to be better in English. But in the process to achieve the higher level of proficiency, the criticism, the disappointment and discourage do hurt my feeling.